so last night i can't actually remember my dream - but i remember how i started off day dreaming before i fell asleep - i was fishing :D but this is going to be a bit difficult to explain! i was fishing but i was trying to catch a star (they were like moving around, looking so pretty but they wouldn't come near my hook! I was sitting on a cloud - but i was upside down - it was like gravity didn't exist cause i was sitting under the cloud but that was on top to me, and my feet were hanging off the edge and i was swinging them, looking down into the sea of stars, and when i looked up i could see earth and the ground above haha, and all the clouds had fluffy white wings and they were flying upside down compared to the earth - but to me they were the right way up. And everything had a blue tint to it as it was brilliantly lit up by the huge moon amongst the stars. it looked so big and was so close i felt like i could jump onto it. When i looked up to the ground (i was like in a planes aerial view from the earth - like 40,000 ft above or wat evs) i decided to go up(down?) to it and so i put my fishing rod on the cloud (which was like the fishing rods i used to have as a kid - me and my brother used to find really long sticks, tie a fishing line to the end of it then at the other end of the line a hook and sinker :] used to work a charm!) and i jumped into the sky (but remember the sky to me is earth) and instead of gravity pulling me back down to the cloud - i started to fall with a incredible speed to the earth and i could feel it pulling on every part of my body like my heart was going to stop. i think i fell asleep then cause i can't remember anything else.
i wish i could remember more dreams. I do remember bits and pieces of certain dreams, but they become so fuzzy, and to just write down little bits of dreams i remember rather than the whole story lines seems to be a waste of time and space.. i just hate unfinished stories, or stories that finish with no real ending, they leave like a hole in your heart and a sense of loss or longing, and i can't bare that feeling! I also hate it when dreams don't resolve themselves, dreams seem to take a hold over your heart, whether they are good or bad. I guess you could say i like going to sleep at night because i get excited about what i am going to dream that night, but when it turns out to be a nightmare or if it doesn't finish, it just feels so horrible and i feel lost. Its like fir the rest of the day i don't know what to do with myself because I'm still just hanging off of that dream. To put it more clearly its like a addictive Korean drama that you only get to watch halfway through and then it gets cancelled, and there is no way to see the ending. Basically it kills you.
I do have more than dreams though. Like when i see things in my everyday life they can suddenly seem so magical to me.
raindrops danced as they hurried across the pavement in a torrent of star shaped ripples.
i don't know how to describe it. when it is raining i look up into the sky and i can see the raindrops coming down, but i can't remember them coming down because I'm too busy looking down at the pavement, where the water collects a bit and each raindrop seems to make it appear as though tiny little stars (which are actually just the places where the fallen water splashes) are dancing along the pavement, or the concrete. Its so pretty and captivating. It looks as though they are flowing down a river in a certain direction - what ever direction i imagine them to be going, and i can change it if i like as well.
a few months ago i went outside during the night after it had finished raining and when i looked up into the tree outside the back room, it looked as though it had stars on it. This was just because it was covered in rain drops and the light from the back room was shining through it, making it look magical. All i could see was the black silhouette of the trees branches against the dark night sky (though the sky was a lighter shade than the tree) and on those branches were tiny little diamonds or stars. I love that tree, it is so beautiful when covered in water droplets in the sun or night.
I wish i could remember more things but i just can't on the spot. I should really write down what i see and how i see it. I wonder a lot whether people see the same things that i do, and appreciate it as much as i do but i guess ill never really know.. Do other people see the beauty in the fading golden sunset light filtering through lace curtains, leaving flowery shadows on the wall? Meh, i suck at explaining things, but the things that i see, though they are so simple, seem to be so beautiful its like i can feel my heart overflowing with joy. Its like God has given me this gift, and the gift is just that i am able to see and love simply beautiful things, and because of that gift i know that even if my whole life falls to ruins, i will still be happy, even from the memory of those beautiful things. I don't know its hard to explain. All i know is that i am thankful to God for so much and it makes me love Him more and more each day.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
crappy dreams that i want to remember anyway
ok so two dreams :
first i dreamt that i was Marilyn Monroe and i can't really remember the whole dream but the ending of it was this - i was suddenly aware that i was now Marilyn Monroe and i knew she ended up dying - and i was so scared i didn't want to die and i knew that this guy with brown hair (who was a twin of the guy who was at my house) was trying to kill me. So i was trying to figure out which one of them was which when i figured i needed to get away from there. so i got to the end of my driveway when a car pulled up and one of the twins was driving the car and they were really nice and told me to get in the car and i had a feeling it was the evil twin but i got in the car any way thinking that i could get away later on but then he started speeding like hell and i was trying to keep calm and casually say hey don't you think you should slow down - cause i didn't want him to know that i knew he was trying to kill me but that was when he pulled out a gun and ordered me to scream. So i screamed as loud as i could and he was like what kind of scream was that? do it louder and for longer this time and so i tried to but i remembered that my voice was sore and so this time screaming really hurt and i couldn't really do it and after i finished i cried and said to him that I'm sorry but i couldnt do it louder, and my voice had faded away entirely and was really sore so he knew that i could hardly talk now. That was when i realised that he only wanted me to scream then so that when he was doing some real shit then i wouldn't be able to scream for help then. So anyway suddenly it wasn't the middle of the day anymore it was the middle of the night and we had only gotten to the main street (which is two blocks away from my house) when i managed to jump out of the car when we got to a round about- and i ran for it past these shops and then i remembered the toy shop (that was there when i was a kid but not anymore) and i remembered that at night the toys would all be alive and they could help me and suddenly he was mr potato head, and before i ran into it he yelled haha you can go in there but you do realise the place is full of other potato heads just like me but i thought the other toys could help me anyway and so i ran into it and (btw the guy got out and was chasing me the whole time) when i got inside the whole shop was like the kindie from toy story 3 and i tried screaming for help but my voice was gone and he came up behind me and grabbed me and all the other toys were staring at me and all i could think of was where is woody? he would help me but he's not here! and i tried telling other toys what was going on and mr potato head was just like don't listen to her! she's a tad tired and crazy at the moment and he tried pulling me out of the shop but the other toys wouldn't let me go - they wanted to know what was the matter and i thought that i was saved but then he suggested why don't we let her have a rest while he explains whats going on and the other mr potato heads offered to take me out back so i could rest in the dark storage room and though i kicked and tried to scream the other toys thought it was a good idea so they lead me out and at that moment i knew how miss Marilyn Monroe died, it was the mr potato heads that suffocated her. And that was when i woke up.
i have no idea why i dreamt i was Marilyn Monroe - i don't even like her! i mean i don't dislike her either but i don't even give her the time of day to think about, except when i might randomly see a nice picture of her and think she looks pretty. other than that - i don't give a shit. Now that i had that dream though, i do feel sorry that she committed suicide. I have no idea what was up with my dream though, i know how she died so it was a really random dream!!!
second dream: i can't really remember it all that well. It had a bit of a story line too which was weird, and i don't mean it was like my other dreams where everything seemed to go in a flow, i mean this seriously started out as a story - the first part of it was where i was a girl and i was sad and lonely and i was gross looking too. i had no friends - what i remember this part as being like was - i was wearing a black dress and i was wearing boots and my white legs stuck out in the night sky and there were stars in the sky and my hair was greasy and gross looking - but during the whole dream sometimes my hair would be my natural gingery blonde and other times it would be black - i dunno, it was weird. Any way this part of my dream i was singing in opera lol about how sad and lonely i was, and apparently the day before a really cute guy had smiled at me and all i remember singing in my dream was "and he was beautiful, and he was beautiful" haha just remembering it makes me laugh so hard ROFL!!!!! its so embarrassing i can't believe i dreamt that hahaha um i can't really remember what happened after that but I'm pretty sure this whole dream played out mostly in that one night and then till the next day - and a lot happened in that time. Like i can't remember but that night i mustve had a shower or something cause somehow i had fell in love with a guy (though i have no memory of it), and then i must of split into two people because next moment i was watching the dream play out as a different person, watching what happened to me as i walked besides me giving my comments whenever i wanted to.
The only thing i remember after singing is walking next to myself down this street and this witch came up to me - not me but the other me who fell in love not split me, and offered me this steaming hot coffee cup - but inside wasn't coffee it looked like fanta, and the coffee cup was like the starbucks one except it was all white and on the outside was a black circle with a hexagon inside with a slash through the middle. Dunno, anyway she offered it to me - ok I'm going to refer to me - the one I'm watching as ranga and split me as ginga. So she offered it to ranga and she said it was a potion to make you have an abortion if you were pregnant (like drink it and it'll kill the baby inside of you)- and not only did i (as ginga) think that this was like snow white and the witch - i was thinking that the potion was probably poison and it will kill you if you drank it more quickly then give you an abortion - but i was also thinking about how i was against abortions and i never had sex with him anyway so i wasn't pregnant anyway - THEN YOU KNOW WHAT~ THAT BLOODY RANGA TOOK A SIP! as if to say she was pregnant that idiot!!! i don't even know what i was thinking! but nothing happened after that except i think a couple of my ex boyfriends turned up - the ones i made that night before i met the guy i was in love with at that moment. Yep. this night was long and i was moving fast through relationships. i don't even remember it happening - but i think at the moment in my dream i had decided it had happened already. anyway one of them was huge! like i remember in my dream thinking he could be a sumo wrestler- i think this is the only reason why i remembered him- he was samoan and he had telekinesis - cause when i went passed the dairy he started making pies and lollie bags n shit fly at me as if to attack me cause he hated me for breaking his heart. LOL!!!
no but after that i can't really remember, it was morning by this time something about nazis being at this park across the road from where i live, and hitler was going to attack anyone who came inside. so i was on the outskirts of it and i was about to go in when i met the caretaker or grounds maintenance - and he was seriously cute! like omg if i ever saw a guy that looked like this in real life i would walk up to him on the street and try to ask him out :D but anyway he was like hey and shook my hand and introduced himself as teddy (and he was wearing a dungaree with a grey t shirt) and before this time the two "me" had become one again, and so i decided at that moment i had broken up with my other boyfriend and so teddy asked me to marry him and i said yes. So all our family and friends came to that field and hitler had died so we were safe and we started to have the wedding. And i was in my pretty white lace dress and he was all good looking with his curly blonde hair in his dungaree at the altar with the priest and that was when i started to come up the altar and i happened to look up to the beautiful sunrise in the sky and for some reason my mind broke. And i started screaming and tearing at my clothes and pulling out my hair and i fell backward and some men held both of my arms up so i wouldn't fall (i think it was my brothers) and i was screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" while i was thinking "not another beautiful sunset!!! i don't want anymore beautiful sunsets!!!" which was weird since it was a sunrise - and the clouds and colours were indicating that it would be a beautiful day so that was making me even more terrified and sad and i was thinking "noooooo! i want a grey cloudy day! no more beautiful sunsets!!!" but nobody else had any clue what was going on so everyone thought i was like this cause i didn't want to marry Teddy. So he came up to me while i was screaming and i had no idea he thought i hated him., and i had no idea what was going on since all i could think about was how i was so sick of sunsets. and he took off his earrings that i had got him and they were silver studs (cause we didn't have rings we had earrings) and i took out my pearl ones and i threw them and the wedding earrings from the purple cushion on the ground and he looked so sad as he said goodbye T_T [now in real life i can't help but think NO my dream boy come back T_T]
so next thing i can remember I had realised what happened and i was two persons again, except ranga was in a tv and ginga had the remote control ;) and i remember i think ginga had explained to ranga what had happened and ranga had gone back to the field and found the three sets of earrings and i sort of cried then. Then i found out from ginga where teddy was and so ranga went to the train station, where like all the trains could go anywhere in the world, and i was there to get teddy back but i had no idea where he was or where he was going, all i knew was that he was leaving from there. and so i was standing on this series of staircases trying to look at all the peoples faces trying to look for him - cause all the people coming and going from the trains had to pass through there. And i looked so pretty, i had my hair up and it was ginger again with curls coming out of the up do and i was wearing this tight blue shirt that was shoulder-less with long sleeves and this tight skirt that had pink floral design. but i was so scared i was going to miss him, and i though i saw him for a moment so i ran down the staircase (which was well lit since it was midday day and the walls were glass - like my old school "tower", and then i realised it wasn't him and thats when the witch from the market came up again so i was stuck on the stairs with her offering me some magic to find my true love and i was kind of interested since i thought it could help me find him, BUT THAT WAS WHEN HE CAME UP BEHIND ME! and since it was so crowded he was stuck behind me and he didn't know it was me, and he was like "hey look sexy, you may smell sweet but can you fuck off out of the way?!" (the the ginga me that was watching was like "THATS HIM! LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!" while i was also thinking "seriously i love THIS guy? he's an asshole!) and ranga i glanced behind at him, i was going to say something mean back, but before i could get a good look at him the witch said something else and i looked back at her and he quickly shoved past me, still not knowing it was me, and continued down the stairs while i still talked to the witch, and me, ginga who was watching this was horrified cause even though i was a bit pissed at him i still knew i loved him and wanted to find him, and so i was screaming at the screen that it was him and thats when i heard me, and ranga realised it was him and started running down and i couldn't find him, so me ginga rewound the video and instead of watching me i watched where he went (btw he was wearing this really ugly peach shirt with pink sunsets and palm trees on it - which made me think even more what do i see in this guy, besides from the fact that he was a fitty) and i tried to tell me where he was but when i got to where he was a moment ago he was gone and i couldn't find him again on the tape :( and that was it. I woke up after that. I tried to go back to sleep but it never really worked out, i sort of dreamed i caught up with him and swore at him, why the fuck didn't he ask me what was going on, what i did didn't mean i hated him, i was just having a seizure and why didn't he worry more about me when i acted like that? and he just said nothing, standing there looking at me (more like glaring but whatever) and i said "you know what, if you don't want to be with me fine, but i just want you to know that i love you and always will, and if you want to be with me even a little let me know now or ill leave and ill never bother you again", and he said "is that all?" and i just said "fine. goodbye teddy. i love you." and walked away. and i went straight to the market to where the witches stall was and knowing that the fanta really wasn't a potion to get abortions but that it was truly poison i drank the whole lot, but what i hadn't realised was that he had stood there for a minute after i left then took off in the direction i went trying to catch up but by the time he got to me i had already drank it all and was almost dead on the ground. so he held me in his arms and i told him i loved him and died. then he tried to drink the last drop in the potion but it was all gone :( so that was it, i woke up again after that.
Damn i wish i could come up with happy ending for that :[ cause it really frustrates me, that i have no control over my dreams. I think the reason why i started to scream at the sunrise was cause it reminded me of that dream of the sunset with the bull - and i kind of knew from there it was going to turn into a nightmare and i didn't want it to cause i liked what was happening. I think i also realised it was a dream at that point and i didn't want it to be - because teddy was so cute. I think i liked him so much since he reminded me of someone i knew in real life. Emphasis on "reminded", I've never seen or met anyone who has looked like that before. I also tried to come up with another ending since i didn't like that ending either but when i fell asleep it only landed me in the south island of new zealand, chasing him and then having some sort of thing wrong with me where i started having another screaming fit but this time blood came out of my ears, eyes, nose and mouth and i ended up dying in his arms again. ITS LIKE ME AND MY DREAM GUY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE T_T but *sigh* i think its just as well. I kinda find guys with blonde hair gross anyway, it would have never worked out. but i still can't get over the fact that because he no longer loved me i went and drank the poison - like seriously in real life if a guy i loved didn't love me back I'm not pathetic enough to go and kill myself. This dream also really frustrates me since i was not acting like myself half the time, i was doing things that i would never do! bleh! I'm only writing this dream down since there are a few things in it that i don't want to forget - like the outfits and the fact that i screamed I'm sick of sunsets - which is amazing! they are like my favourite things in the world- and sun rises. Am i truly sick of them? maybe i am and i just haven't realised it yet :T i don't know! i still feel the dream haunting me and its like i can feel that emotion hanging on my heart - of dreading sunsets :T i wonder what tomorrow will be like?
tomorrow: i still love sunsets, seriously, what was so bad about them when i was sleeping?
x g!nge~
first i dreamt that i was Marilyn Monroe and i can't really remember the whole dream but the ending of it was this - i was suddenly aware that i was now Marilyn Monroe and i knew she ended up dying - and i was so scared i didn't want to die and i knew that this guy with brown hair (who was a twin of the guy who was at my house) was trying to kill me. So i was trying to figure out which one of them was which when i figured i needed to get away from there. so i got to the end of my driveway when a car pulled up and one of the twins was driving the car and they were really nice and told me to get in the car and i had a feeling it was the evil twin but i got in the car any way thinking that i could get away later on but then he started speeding like hell and i was trying to keep calm and casually say hey don't you think you should slow down - cause i didn't want him to know that i knew he was trying to kill me but that was when he pulled out a gun and ordered me to scream. So i screamed as loud as i could and he was like what kind of scream was that? do it louder and for longer this time and so i tried to but i remembered that my voice was sore and so this time screaming really hurt and i couldn't really do it and after i finished i cried and said to him that I'm sorry but i couldnt do it louder, and my voice had faded away entirely and was really sore so he knew that i could hardly talk now. That was when i realised that he only wanted me to scream then so that when he was doing some real shit then i wouldn't be able to scream for help then. So anyway suddenly it wasn't the middle of the day anymore it was the middle of the night and we had only gotten to the main street (which is two blocks away from my house) when i managed to jump out of the car when we got to a round about- and i ran for it past these shops and then i remembered the toy shop (that was there when i was a kid but not anymore) and i remembered that at night the toys would all be alive and they could help me and suddenly he was mr potato head, and before i ran into it he yelled haha you can go in there but you do realise the place is full of other potato heads just like me but i thought the other toys could help me anyway and so i ran into it and (btw the guy got out and was chasing me the whole time) when i got inside the whole shop was like the kindie from toy story 3 and i tried screaming for help but my voice was gone and he came up behind me and grabbed me and all the other toys were staring at me and all i could think of was where is woody? he would help me but he's not here! and i tried telling other toys what was going on and mr potato head was just like don't listen to her! she's a tad tired and crazy at the moment and he tried pulling me out of the shop but the other toys wouldn't let me go - they wanted to know what was the matter and i thought that i was saved but then he suggested why don't we let her have a rest while he explains whats going on and the other mr potato heads offered to take me out back so i could rest in the dark storage room and though i kicked and tried to scream the other toys thought it was a good idea so they lead me out and at that moment i knew how miss Marilyn Monroe died, it was the mr potato heads that suffocated her. And that was when i woke up.
i have no idea why i dreamt i was Marilyn Monroe - i don't even like her! i mean i don't dislike her either but i don't even give her the time of day to think about, except when i might randomly see a nice picture of her and think she looks pretty. other than that - i don't give a shit. Now that i had that dream though, i do feel sorry that she committed suicide. I have no idea what was up with my dream though, i know how she died so it was a really random dream!!!
second dream: i can't really remember it all that well. It had a bit of a story line too which was weird, and i don't mean it was like my other dreams where everything seemed to go in a flow, i mean this seriously started out as a story - the first part of it was where i was a girl and i was sad and lonely and i was gross looking too. i had no friends - what i remember this part as being like was - i was wearing a black dress and i was wearing boots and my white legs stuck out in the night sky and there were stars in the sky and my hair was greasy and gross looking - but during the whole dream sometimes my hair would be my natural gingery blonde and other times it would be black - i dunno, it was weird. Any way this part of my dream i was singing in opera lol about how sad and lonely i was, and apparently the day before a really cute guy had smiled at me and all i remember singing in my dream was "and he was beautiful, and he was beautiful" haha just remembering it makes me laugh so hard ROFL!!!!! its so embarrassing i can't believe i dreamt that hahaha um i can't really remember what happened after that but I'm pretty sure this whole dream played out mostly in that one night and then till the next day - and a lot happened in that time. Like i can't remember but that night i mustve had a shower or something cause somehow i had fell in love with a guy (though i have no memory of it), and then i must of split into two people because next moment i was watching the dream play out as a different person, watching what happened to me as i walked besides me giving my comments whenever i wanted to.
The only thing i remember after singing is walking next to myself down this street and this witch came up to me - not me but the other me who fell in love not split me, and offered me this steaming hot coffee cup - but inside wasn't coffee it looked like fanta, and the coffee cup was like the starbucks one except it was all white and on the outside was a black circle with a hexagon inside with a slash through the middle. Dunno, anyway she offered it to me - ok I'm going to refer to me - the one I'm watching as ranga and split me as ginga. So she offered it to ranga and she said it was a potion to make you have an abortion if you were pregnant (like drink it and it'll kill the baby inside of you)- and not only did i (as ginga) think that this was like snow white and the witch - i was thinking that the potion was probably poison and it will kill you if you drank it more quickly then give you an abortion - but i was also thinking about how i was against abortions and i never had sex with him anyway so i wasn't pregnant anyway - THEN YOU KNOW WHAT~ THAT BLOODY RANGA TOOK A SIP! as if to say she was pregnant that idiot!!! i don't even know what i was thinking! but nothing happened after that except i think a couple of my ex boyfriends turned up - the ones i made that night before i met the guy i was in love with at that moment. Yep. this night was long and i was moving fast through relationships. i don't even remember it happening - but i think at the moment in my dream i had decided it had happened already. anyway one of them was huge! like i remember in my dream thinking he could be a sumo wrestler- i think this is the only reason why i remembered him- he was samoan and he had telekinesis - cause when i went passed the dairy he started making pies and lollie bags n shit fly at me as if to attack me cause he hated me for breaking his heart. LOL!!!
no but after that i can't really remember, it was morning by this time something about nazis being at this park across the road from where i live, and hitler was going to attack anyone who came inside. so i was on the outskirts of it and i was about to go in when i met the caretaker or grounds maintenance - and he was seriously cute! like omg if i ever saw a guy that looked like this in real life i would walk up to him on the street and try to ask him out :D but anyway he was like hey and shook my hand and introduced himself as teddy (and he was wearing a dungaree with a grey t shirt) and before this time the two "me" had become one again, and so i decided at that moment i had broken up with my other boyfriend and so teddy asked me to marry him and i said yes. So all our family and friends came to that field and hitler had died so we were safe and we started to have the wedding. And i was in my pretty white lace dress and he was all good looking with his curly blonde hair in his dungaree at the altar with the priest and that was when i started to come up the altar and i happened to look up to the beautiful sunrise in the sky and for some reason my mind broke. And i started screaming and tearing at my clothes and pulling out my hair and i fell backward and some men held both of my arms up so i wouldn't fall (i think it was my brothers) and i was screaming "NOOOOOOOOO" while i was thinking "not another beautiful sunset!!! i don't want anymore beautiful sunsets!!!" which was weird since it was a sunrise - and the clouds and colours were indicating that it would be a beautiful day so that was making me even more terrified and sad and i was thinking "noooooo! i want a grey cloudy day! no more beautiful sunsets!!!" but nobody else had any clue what was going on so everyone thought i was like this cause i didn't want to marry Teddy. So he came up to me while i was screaming and i had no idea he thought i hated him., and i had no idea what was going on since all i could think about was how i was so sick of sunsets. and he took off his earrings that i had got him and they were silver studs (cause we didn't have rings we had earrings) and i took out my pearl ones and i threw them and the wedding earrings from the purple cushion on the ground and he looked so sad as he said goodbye T_T [now in real life i can't help but think NO my dream boy come back T_T]
so next thing i can remember I had realised what happened and i was two persons again, except ranga was in a tv and ginga had the remote control ;) and i remember i think ginga had explained to ranga what had happened and ranga had gone back to the field and found the three sets of earrings and i sort of cried then. Then i found out from ginga where teddy was and so ranga went to the train station, where like all the trains could go anywhere in the world, and i was there to get teddy back but i had no idea where he was or where he was going, all i knew was that he was leaving from there. and so i was standing on this series of staircases trying to look at all the peoples faces trying to look for him - cause all the people coming and going from the trains had to pass through there. And i looked so pretty, i had my hair up and it was ginger again with curls coming out of the up do and i was wearing this tight blue shirt that was shoulder-less with long sleeves and this tight skirt that had pink floral design. but i was so scared i was going to miss him, and i though i saw him for a moment so i ran down the staircase (which was well lit since it was midday day and the walls were glass - like my old school "tower", and then i realised it wasn't him and thats when the witch from the market came up again so i was stuck on the stairs with her offering me some magic to find my true love and i was kind of interested since i thought it could help me find him, BUT THAT WAS WHEN HE CAME UP BEHIND ME! and since it was so crowded he was stuck behind me and he didn't know it was me, and he was like "hey look sexy, you may smell sweet but can you fuck off out of the way?!" (the the ginga me that was watching was like "THATS HIM! LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!!" while i was also thinking "seriously i love THIS guy? he's an asshole!) and ranga i glanced behind at him, i was going to say something mean back, but before i could get a good look at him the witch said something else and i looked back at her and he quickly shoved past me, still not knowing it was me, and continued down the stairs while i still talked to the witch, and me, ginga who was watching this was horrified cause even though i was a bit pissed at him i still knew i loved him and wanted to find him, and so i was screaming at the screen that it was him and thats when i heard me, and ranga realised it was him and started running down and i couldn't find him, so me ginga rewound the video and instead of watching me i watched where he went (btw he was wearing this really ugly peach shirt with pink sunsets and palm trees on it - which made me think even more what do i see in this guy, besides from the fact that he was a fitty) and i tried to tell me where he was but when i got to where he was a moment ago he was gone and i couldn't find him again on the tape :( and that was it. I woke up after that. I tried to go back to sleep but it never really worked out, i sort of dreamed i caught up with him and swore at him, why the fuck didn't he ask me what was going on, what i did didn't mean i hated him, i was just having a seizure and why didn't he worry more about me when i acted like that? and he just said nothing, standing there looking at me (more like glaring but whatever) and i said "you know what, if you don't want to be with me fine, but i just want you to know that i love you and always will, and if you want to be with me even a little let me know now or ill leave and ill never bother you again", and he said "is that all?" and i just said "fine. goodbye teddy. i love you." and walked away. and i went straight to the market to where the witches stall was and knowing that the fanta really wasn't a potion to get abortions but that it was truly poison i drank the whole lot, but what i hadn't realised was that he had stood there for a minute after i left then took off in the direction i went trying to catch up but by the time he got to me i had already drank it all and was almost dead on the ground. so he held me in his arms and i told him i loved him and died. then he tried to drink the last drop in the potion but it was all gone :( so that was it, i woke up again after that.
Damn i wish i could come up with happy ending for that :[ cause it really frustrates me, that i have no control over my dreams. I think the reason why i started to scream at the sunrise was cause it reminded me of that dream of the sunset with the bull - and i kind of knew from there it was going to turn into a nightmare and i didn't want it to cause i liked what was happening. I think i also realised it was a dream at that point and i didn't want it to be - because teddy was so cute. I think i liked him so much since he reminded me of someone i knew in real life. Emphasis on "reminded", I've never seen or met anyone who has looked like that before. I also tried to come up with another ending since i didn't like that ending either but when i fell asleep it only landed me in the south island of new zealand, chasing him and then having some sort of thing wrong with me where i started having another screaming fit but this time blood came out of my ears, eyes, nose and mouth and i ended up dying in his arms again. ITS LIKE ME AND MY DREAM GUY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE T_T but *sigh* i think its just as well. I kinda find guys with blonde hair gross anyway, it would have never worked out. but i still can't get over the fact that because he no longer loved me i went and drank the poison - like seriously in real life if a guy i loved didn't love me back I'm not pathetic enough to go and kill myself. This dream also really frustrates me since i was not acting like myself half the time, i was doing things that i would never do! bleh! I'm only writing this dream down since there are a few things in it that i don't want to forget - like the outfits and the fact that i screamed I'm sick of sunsets - which is amazing! they are like my favourite things in the world- and sun rises. Am i truly sick of them? maybe i am and i just haven't realised it yet :T i don't know! i still feel the dream haunting me and its like i can feel that emotion hanging on my heart - of dreading sunsets :T i wonder what tomorrow will be like?
tomorrow: i still love sunsets, seriously, what was so bad about them when i was sleeping?
x g!nge~
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